i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
