I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
