I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just cut my nipple shaving
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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