But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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