i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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