All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
