I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
