i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The ass gains better be worth it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
