i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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