I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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