i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
