please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
