what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
