I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize