Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
