I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
