You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
