i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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