I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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