you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
