Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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