I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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