I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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