What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
