At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
