Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
