Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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