my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
