I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
