The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
