I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
