I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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