I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
