My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
