highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize