So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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