bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
