Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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