did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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