Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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