matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize