I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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