OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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