i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
