Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
