I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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