tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize