Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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