you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
