If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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