You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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