3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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