i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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