I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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