your room smells of hookers.
And success
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
