i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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