she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize