I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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