I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
