I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
