Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
