I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
