if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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